Philippians 4:6 New International Version
I walk, daily, a path amidst beauty. Seemingly, though, it is covered in stone and pain. Today, while admiring the beauty the warmth of Spring lavishes all about me, I have found that which brings me to my knees with ache.
One desire finally lay my body prostrate; I reached the place in my daily journey where I could go no further. I came into communion with that which literally stopped me; it keeps me from moving any further in life now until I grow intimate with it.
The object of my groans and sighs demands my full attention. Now in a kind of state needing Divine Intervention and action, I have done all I could. Remembering other things in life that have derailed my progress before, nothing seems so stopping as this; it now earns my reverence and respect.
It was not a broken down car or a misbehaving pet that leads me to lie face down and weep; it is not my children or other relatives that lead me to stop now. There is, in me, a Lack that I can’t imagine continuing in this life with any longer…A missing component so attached to Bliss that I know life for me will never exist fully without its satisfying.
Such a powerful thing, that leads me to pray unceasingly now. My tears flow in such a flood that my throat is choked. I can’t find air, I can’t make a sound; Sadness overwhelms the cries of my soul.
I’ve felt so sure, for so many years, that God has ignored my pleadings around this. Never, in my time, has this Lack been satisfied. Looking back, I rationalized that God allowed this pain in me because I was too immature to handle the cure; now I can’t imagine any sin so demanding as high a cost as I’ve paid.
This morning, I sat in front of a mental health clinician; not once did this learned scholar sense my distress. A pill was suggested to ease what seemed like malaise; it is so much more, and terminal, I shudder in conviction to believe now.
So it is, then, I take in sunset lying on the ground, crying. I’ve no hope for the end to my handicap; I’ve no energy or desire to stumble further down the path in search of Bliss. I’ve reached a point where I doubt now, that it exists, where I doubt in any destination or satisfactory end to my suffering.
It is all I can do, then, to honor this Lack with raining soul reaching.
It is all I can do, to believe in any Resurrection.