THE DEATH AND GRIEVING OF WHAT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN
I believe, more than ever, that spiritually I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Sadly, this DOESN’T mean I know how or have the energy to endure it…
lately, I DON’T feel I can. Lately, it’s all so overwhelming. Not fitting into dysfunctional realms but also not quite ready for the mainstream world.
I realize now, that being Common IS truly all I ever wanted.
I thought those who’ve seen me struggle would applaud Joy and Functionality when it came. Instead, some sort of paranoia set in, and a scrutiny and concern about what I suddenly didn’t share anymore became overwhelming, distracting and painful.
I grieve, then, those from my Past: as I felt misunderstood and misinterpreted, I realize now, that I MISINTERPRETED and MISUNDERSTOOD THEM. Too much hope, too much of a demand, did I make, for affection and understanding, care and fondness from others who didn’t have the capacity to exhibit those qualities.
I cry now…I sob. I yearn to hear voices saying things that never came…and NEVER COULD. I feel like self-mutilating, like punishing myself for asking for and wanting to share that which could never be.
Like a child, I curl up, teddy bear soaked, in my bed, lamenting my dreams.